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1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.

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2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

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3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

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4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

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5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

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6. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

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7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?

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8. My reality check bounced.

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9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

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10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

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11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

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12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

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13. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

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14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

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16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

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17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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18. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

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19. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

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20. Following the rules will not get the job done.